Suicide to love
by HarryFish
Summary: The war against Voldemort has taken many lives, even Harry made an attempt on his own. But when the man who saves his life is the man who tried to kill him, Harry no longer knows where he belongs and a unique relationship starts. Contains explicit content
1. Death and Rebirth

Hello! My name is Goodlaugh! (which is ironic because this is really not very funny at all...) This is my first Fanfiction Story so please be nice to me! :) Please rate and review, and I will write another chapter!  
Disclaimer: I really wish I was a brilliant as JK Rowling, but alas- I am not her. I don't own Harry Potter!  
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I am alone.  
the darkness presses upon me from all sides  
the silence ringing in my ears  
silent tears cascade down my face  
as I run my fingers desperately through unkempt hair  
all I can think is,  
_Why me?_  
I am warm under the thick blanket  
and yet I shiver in spite of myself  
_Let me awaken from this nightmare._  
a small sob escapes my dry lips  
I feel my grip tighten on the thin handle  
slowly I raise the blade to my chest  
I can feel my heart beating  
_Please, let me die... let it be painless..._  
I hold my breath and my tears cease  
I sit very still and just listen to my breath  
in, out, in, out  
suddenly the knife slips out of my grasp  
and I fall backwards  
my limp hand aches from clutching so tightly  
_Why can't I do it? Please... Why can't I end it?_  
I hate myself even more now  
for acting such a fool  
not even able to dispose of the filth I am  
_Maybe I have too much self pity._  
the thought makes me sick  
and then it dawns on me  
maybe the reason I must live is not for myself  
but to save him  
so he would never have to feel the pain I felt  
pearls brim over my eyelids and I sob uncontrollably  
my body shaking as I draw in great gasps for breath  
_He... he doesn't love me... anymore_  
my hand scrambles to the blade once more  
and before I can think it is done.  
the sweaty handle protruding from my chest  
my vision blurs and I faint  
fading into nothingness...

I vaguely recall seeing a light from behind my eyelids, all the pain lifted from my chest, and wondering if this was heaven. I felt myself being lifted into the air and listened to the rise and fall of another mans chest. I could feel cold hands clutching me close and then the feeling of pure bliss, like flying. But soon it was over and I felt the softness of a bed come in contact with my body, and the silk of sheets being wrapped tightly about me. And then rest, and sleep, and silence, and pure peace.

A voice began coaxing me from my deep slumber, at first I could not make out what it was saying, but then my own name filled my ears and I slowly awoke.

"Harry? Harry, please wake up. Come on now... Harry?" The voice had a lazy tone to it and I slowly forced apart my eyes to see one Lord Voldemort hovering above my face, smiling down at me.

I froze, unsure how I should react to this. I was dead. I killed myself only moments before, and then... I didn't even know what ad happened.

"You." I said after a moment. Not as a question or accusation, but as a fact.

"Me." He replied, still with an innocent smile plastered on his face. I tried to sit up but found I couldn't, I felt so weak.

"Why can't I-" I began, but as if he had read my mind (which he probably had) he said, "Because I don't want you to move. You're hurt enough."

"I'll be fine. Let me up!"

"No." he said so finally that I did not press the matter.

I decided to change the subject and asked, "Why are you here?"

"Depends on where you think 'here' is."

"Heaven?"

"Sadly, no. You are quite alive and in my bedroom."

Harry took this opportunity to look around while he thought of how to respond to this. He was in a massive bedroom that was colored in rich greens, grays, and blacks. The furniture was luxurious but well spread out through the massive space. There was a sofa and chairs beside a floor to ceiling window, (which was black with rain) a grand desk in the corner, an empty fireplace, and of course the bed, which was the focal point of the room. Other than that there were four unmarked and identical doors around the walls. Voldemort, who had been following Harry's eyes asked,

"Do you like it?"

I decided not to answer his question and instead asked,

"Did you kill them?"

"Who? Oh, your aunt and uncle? No, but they deserve it after what they did to you!"

I winced involuntarily, _How much did he know? _

"Do you want me to kill them Harry?"

I did not respond so he asked again.

"No."

Voldemort did not press the matter any further.

"Why didn't you kill me? Why aren't you killing me now?"

"Well actually, I arrived at the Dursley's with the full intention of killing you. But when I watched you sitting in the corner of your room wand-less and defenseless, trying to kill yourself with a kitchen knife, I changed my mind. But why did you do it?"

"Why?" I asked incredulously, "Because of everything! Ron and Hermione dead! Dumbledore betraying me! Having the whole world depending on me to kill you when I don't even want to! My aunt and uncle beating me and raping me! My boyfri-" I stopped short, in all my rage I had said too much. I quickly thought hard about nothing at all, trying to block my mind from Voldemort. I didn't want him to know. He looked at me with what looked like concern and then his hand was suddenly on my face. I cried out and tried to move away but he shushed me and I realized he was wiping away tears I didn't remember crying. He started to get up off the bed but my hand shot out and grabbed his robe. I looked at my hand in amazement at what I had done and he turned to look at me, bemused.

"Yes Harry?" He asked.

"N-nothing." I said, letting go as if he had burnt me.

He looked at me once more and turned to walk away. I sat up, realizing Voldemort had released the spell that had been holding me down.

"Wait!" I said, a hint of panic breaking in my voice.

"Yes Harry?" He repeated.

"Thank you." I said quietly, turning my eyes away from him.

He did not respond and I heard the door click shut behind him. I fell back into the pillows and drifted off in a restless sleep.

When I awoke later to find that the pounding of the rain had ceased, and sunlight now spiraled though the massive window. I crawled out of bed to find myself without a shirt. As soon as I thought this however, a clean set of simple jeans and a solid green t-shirt appeared before me. I quickly put them on and moved over to the window and looked down. I gasped. I was at least 40 stories high, looking down upon the most intricate and momentous garden I had ever seen. The building was about twice the size of Hogwarts and the gardens stretched almost all the way to the horizon. I soon became curious of the room I was in, (after all- it belonged to the Dark Lord himself!) so I began to explore the room, opening all the desk drawers and the night stand, even looking up the fireplace just for fun. I then tried to open the first of the doors and as I expected, it was locked, as was the second. The third door however, opened into a massive marble bathroom with a tub that looked more like a pool than anything else. The fourth door I found to be open as well, and I discovered a large library to be there. Voldemort's room was a house compared to Harry's little room at the Dursley's. Wanting to explore the library further, I started reading book titles, to find they all contained dark magic studies. I figured this must be he personal library. Eventually, I headed back in the room to find a tray of food at the food of the bed. I didn't feel to hungry so I moved the tray onto the floor and climbed back into the bed fully clothed. I felt a slight shift in the bed and my eyes snapped open to find a set of pale red ones about an inch from my face.

"Holy Shit!" I yelled, flinging myself backward and falling out of the bed.

Voldemort just laughed, a sound I had never heard come out of his lips before. He poked his head over the side of the bed to look down on me, sprawled on my back.

"Good morning!" he said cheerfully, pulling me up to my feet.

I couldn't even respond I was still in shock.

"I see you haven't eaten yet." He said, frowning.

"Yeah," I said, finding my voice again, "I was busy."

He raised an eyebrow at me "Too busy sleeping? Well whatever, just make sure it's gone by the time I get back. Also- be prepared to tell me about this 'boyfriend' of yours too."

My heart sank, why did I have to tell him anyway?

"Oh! And Harry, I want you to consider switching sides."

"What?" I asked, confused.

"We have always fought against each other, but you said yourself you don't want to fight me. So I am asking you to join me."

"Why would I join you?"

"Because I like you." He said simply, tipping up my head and planting a kiss squarely on my lips.

He then left me dumbfounded, and walked to the door, calling over his shoulder,

"I'll be back in an hour!"

I slid to the floor in pure shock and bewilderment touching my lips where he had kissed them. Then I remembered what he had said and began to eat the food he had left for me as I thought of what to say. Draco Malfoy had been my boyfriend for two years, up until the end of the school year. Draco was very much in the same position as I was, He had an abusive father. We got along well and loved each other very much but always had to meet in secret because our friends never understood we were no longer enemies. It was hard to keep up that double life but we managed very well for two whole years. Draco had invited me over to his house for the summer because his parents were vacationing in the tropics but his father came home early and was in such a rage that he tried to kill Draco. I fought with him and ended up killing him. Draco has refused to talk to me since except to tell me he could no longer love me. I know I shouldn't have interfered but I saved Draco's life. But I haven't seen him in almost a year now. I really didn't want to tell Voldemort any of this but I knew I would have to or else he would force it out of me. I sat on the floor for what seemed like ages, dreading his return. Then a thought crossed my mind, I could go take a shower and buy myself some time to think of how to answer Voldemort. I hurried into the bathroom and stripped, ignoring the pool sized bathtub to walk into a smaller, private shower, I took my time washing my hair with the expensive soaps provided there and when I was done I sank down onto the tile floor and let the water run over me. I let my mind wander over all that had happened in the past twenty four hours. From being saved and healed by Voldemort to being kissed by the man I thought was out to murder me. Why had Voldemort kissed me? Did he really 'like' me or was he just messing with me to piss me off? Just then the shower door slid open and Harry looked up to see a fully naked Lord Voldemort standing over him.

"As promised, I came back exactly one hour from when I left you!" He said.

"Why are you in my shower though!" I complained crossing my legs to hide myself from his hungry eyes.

"Your shower?" He said, raising his eyebrows, "Remember who's house you are in. Anyway, start talking. Who is this boyfriend that you are trying so hard to hide from me?"

"Can we get out of the shower first?" I said, feeling the blush rise to my cheeks as I glanced at his large penis. Clutching my legs even tighter together to hide my own. (Not that is was small or anything! I just didn't want some old man staring at it!)

"No we can't." He said firmly, "Talk before I force it out of you."

So at that I started explaining about Draco and what I had done, all the while sneaking glances at Voldemort's toned body as he washed himself above me. From his exceptionally lean features to his pale chest and muscular abdomen, and when I was sure Voldemort was not looking, everything below his waist. I soon finished talking about Draco and Voldemort finished bathing himself.

"Turn around," Voldemort said.

I did as I was told and moved so that I was sitting facing the wall away from Voldemort. Then Voldemort picked up a bar of soap and began washing my back as we talked.

"And have you thought about my question? Will you join me?"

I thought a moment and eventually said,

"Well, You did kill my parents. But I have forgiven you for that. And your followers have murdered my friends. And yet my friends have murdered you followers,"

As I talked, I felt Voldemort's soapy hands moving up onto my shoulders and down the front of my chest, massaging my muscles and teasing my nipples.

"But I am not sure I want to join you, I don't hate muggles. But I do agree that we would be better off not having them attack us and call us freaks like my aunt did to my mother."

His hands inched ever downward making big circles across my front as I relaxed, leaning into his chest,

"And Dumbledore abandoned me and you saved me. And Draco left me... and you kissed me... ahh!"

Voldemort's soap covered hand suddenly wrapped around my now erect member and he began to gently stoke it up and down.

"So is that a yes?" He said calmly, acting as if he weren't molesting me that very moment.

"Umm... I... I... Don't..." I stuttered, trying in vain to push his hand away as his other hand reached around to fondle my balls.

"Harry, do you like this? Does it feel good? Me rubbing your dick?"

"I Don't know... I just..." I babbled, blushing as he talked dirty to me.

Suddenly he stopped. I turned to look at him but could not read his expression.

"What do you want me to do? Harry?" He said teasingly.

"Don't stop." I mumbled.

"What was that?"

"Don't stop touching me," I repeated in a strong voice, "I like it."

He began the motion again with renewed vigor, pumping and fondling until I had squeezed my eyes shut and my breath came in ragged gasps. He then took one soapy wet finger and slid it up my ass. I cried out in surprise as I climaxed, spewing my seed all over his hands. He brought one of his fingers up and slid it into my mouth. I tried to protest but he kept it there until I had licked all my semen off it. He did the same with his other fingers and then stood up to leave.

"I want to join you." I said as he opened the shower door, not raising my eyes from the floor.

"I'm happy," said Lord Voldemort, "I want you."

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PLEASE RATE AND REVIEW! I will add another chapter soon! Thanks for reading!


	2. Taking Flight

Just a note! Sorry if this is a little fast moving for some people, but that's how I roll! **BOLD FONT IS PARSELTONGUE! **

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**Now to the story... :)**

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After Voldemort left the shower I sat there a while longer, confused beyond belief. My mind constantly churning over what Voldemort had said, "I want you..."

What reason did he have for wanting me? Was he even able to love anyway? I eventually dragged myself up and went to go find my clothes. They were not anywhere to be found. I gave up and looked for a bath towel instead, but came up empty. In exasperation I took a small hand towel from the sink and opened the door slowly, peaking around for any signs of Voldemort. Thankfully the room was empty. I made a mad dash for the bed and hopped under the covers just as the door opened. Voldemort walked in, glancing from my blushing face and naked torso to my lower half hidden beneath the sheets.

"That anxious for me to return?" He snickered.

"Give me my clothes!" I replied, blushing angrily.

"No." He said teasingly.

"What do you mean no?"

"How about I give you your clothes back if you come to dinner with me?"

"Fine- whatever! Just give me my clothes."

Voldemort smiled happily and conjured up a pile of clothes on the couch, all the way across the room. I waited a moment to see if Voldemort planned on leaving to let me change, but he just stood there with that stupid smile on his face, staring at me.

"Have you no dignity?" I said crossly, streaking to the couch and hurriedly sorting through the clothes to find some underwear, but there were none there. I considered turning around and yelling at him for his lack of shame but decided against it. It would do no good to try and argue anything while I was naked. I felt Voldemort's eyes on me as I rushed to pull up a pair of ridiculously tight jeans that I was sure showed every curve on my body.

"No underwear today?" He laughed, watching me closely.

I didn't respond and pulled the skin tight t-shirt over my head. Thankfully, Voldemort had given me a jacket, because the t-shirt showed every inch of my skin and I might as well have been wearing nothing at all.

"Lets be off to dinner then!" Said Voldemort cheerily, "We wouldn't want to keep those death eater's waiting!"

"What? I have to eat dinner with you followers too?" I said horrified.

"Well yes Harry, you agreed to join forces with me so these are your followers too!"

"But-" I protested as he dragged me out the door.

He pulled me through several long corridors and down several flights of steps until we reached a set of double doors.

"Here we are Harry! Just remember to play nice with your new friends!" he said in his best impression of Mrs. Weasley. I scowled at him before he pushed me through the door.

I found myself in a room almost as large as the great hall itself, with one massive long table filled with various men and women all in black robes. I recognized a few of them but I had never realized just how many followers Voldemort had. To my absolute horror, I noticed Draco was there, but I pretended not to notice him. The death eaters all sat and chatted together like good friends would and not one of them looked frightened to see Lord Voldemort come striding through the door. Although many threw curious looks at me as I followed alongside Voldemort. He made his way over to the far end of the table and ordered me to take the vacant place beside him. The hall quieted instantly and Voldemort smiled as he said,

"Welcome everyone! I have a quick announcement before dinner is to start. This is, as you all know, Harry Potter. He is here as a guest and if any of you try anything funny, your head will be severed and stuck on a pole outside his room for future reference!" Although his tone was light and innocent as he said this, every death eater shivered slightly, knowing just how serious the Dark Lord was.

"Harry has decided to switch to our side in the war and I would like you all to trust him as I do. He is my little pet so do not try anything if you don't want me to murder you." His smile was completely gone now, but it returned after a moment when he said, "You may all dig in!" and food appeared on the table.

I was astounded, he had just called me his 'pet' in front of about a thousand death eaters!

"**Don't call me your pet**!" I hissed angrily at him in parsletongue.

"**Why not darling? Would you rather me call you lover?**" he hissed back teasingly.

"**No! They can't know about us!**"

"**Us? Are we a thing now Harry?**" he said, raising an eyebrow at me.

"**No. It's just, I don't-**" I said in frustration, "Fuck you."

The hall went silent. They had all been watching our conversation with interest but it was not until now that I realized I had just said "Fuck you" in perfect english to the Dark Lord in front of all his supporters. His eyes narrowed in anger.

"**Would you rather me tell them about your little adventure in the shower?**" he said threateningly.

"**I would just tell them you raped me**." I scowled back.

"**Or how much you seemed to enjoy it when I kiss you? How turned on you get?**"

I was furious now.

"**You wouldn't! Because only a bastard would do that to me!**"

The entire room was entranced with our argument and were leaning forward in their chairs to see what would happen.

"Crusio." he said in a whisper.

I was on the floor screaming as pain raked through my body. It only lasted a few seconds but it was just enough to leaving me shaking. Slowly I stood to face him, quivering in anger and hurt when suddenly and without warning Voldemort entered my mind, causing me to fall back into my chair, my eyes squeezed shut. Images flashed before my mind one after another: him saving my life, him kissing me, him touching me, and then an image that sent my mind reeling. It was me, asleep the night after he had first kissed me, and my hand was moving beneath the sheets as Voldemort watched. I was touching myself in my sleep. And then I said his name, (well I practically screamed it) again and again as my hand moved faster and faster.

Voldemort raised his wand and the sheets vanished, to reveal me pumping myself in earnest. He carefully removed my hand to replace it with his own, and then his lips moved down and he slid his tongue along my shaft before taking me into his mouth.

Then without warning, Voldemort withdrew himself from my mind and smiled his stupid grin at me.

"**Now it doesn't matter what I call you, does it?**" He laughed.

It was a second before I realized what he was talking about. I had my legs sprawled out in front of me, with one hand up my shirt and the other on my crotch, rubbing myself through the thin fabric of my pants.

"Damn you," I said, standing up in a vain attempt to hide my obvious erection, "I can't believe you. I just can't believe you!"

Tears of embarrassment welled in my eyes as I stood and walked from the table, trying to keep my composure. I was halfway out the door when I yelled back at him,

"**I hate you Tom! Never expect to see me again you bastard!**"

Then I was running, running like a frightened deer as the death eaters in the room looked from Voldemort to the door. Some in terror, some in laughter.

I sprinted down the halls for what felt like hours, not stopping once to look behind me. I found myself at the base of an insanely steep spiral staircase and began running up it two at a time.

I eventually reached the top of the stairs and found myself in a small tower that overlooked the rest of the castle. The room was cute and bare, except for a set of small chairs and a broomstick in the corner. I peaked my head out of one of the many large windows and looked down to see the extensive gardens below were only a speck from where I looked upon them. I moved across the room and slowly lifted the broom thinking of what a spectacular dive that would be! It would be insane, to make a dive from this incredible height and pull up an inch from the ground! I missed Quittich, it had always been my escape when things were tough at Hogwarts.

I was still pissed at Voldemort. No, I was more than pissed, I was livid. Just thinking about what he did, made me want to punch something. (most likely his face) I sighed, knowing that breaking his nose would do no good in helping the situation. Every single death eater was sure to think I was a pervert and it was all his fault! I looked over the edge of the window and then back to the broom. I decided to go for it. I climbed up onto the window ledge... and jumped.

For one second I hovered in the air, and then I fell. I tugged on the broom but the broom did not raise, it was as magic-less and as useless as a mop. And I was falling.  
What a rush it was though! Spiraling and twirling, reaching out for anything. Anything to stop the ground from rushing nearer. Anything...

A hand connected with my wrist and I was wrenched up in the air, I screamed as my shoulder was yanked out of it's socket as I dangled about twenty feet from the ground. I looked up into the the enraged eyes of Voldemort, the last person I wanted to see. I glared back with a passionate fury and writhed around in the air until my wrist slid from his grasp. I would not let that monster touch me again. He called out a startled yell as my body collided with the ground.

I woke to find myself back in his bedroom sore and broken from the fall, with Voldemort pacing back and forth at the front of the bed. I pretended I was still asleep but Voldemort noticed my eyes flicker and he strode over and shook my shoulders roughly to force me awake.

"What were you thinking?" he roared at me, his red eyes contorted into slits, "You complete MORON! You fucking little-"

"It's all your fault." I yelled back, sitting up and ignoring the extreme pain that shot through my body at the movement, "If you hadn't made me do that in front of all those people, maybe I wouldn't be so pissed off!"

"I can do with you what I want!" he snarled, "Don't you forget your place! You whore! And that is no reason to try and kill yourself!"

His words hurt more than any of the broken bones I had from the fall, but I would not cry, not for him.

"Kill myself?" I said softly, "Is that what you think? I thought you knew I- never mind." I snapped, turning away from him.

I could hear him trying to steady his breathing as he fumed, "If you weren't trying to kill yourself than what the hell was that?"

"I was trying to fly, there was a broomstick in the tower." I choked out, holding back the river behind my eyes.

"Oh." he said shocked, "I didn't- it doesn't matter now. Just use your head once and a while! Not every broom in the world is magical!"

He laid down beside me and ran a hand through my hair.

"You dumb-ass."

I lost all self control and my body shook with tears. He slid his arm around me and buried his face in my neck.

"Harry," he said softly, "I can't pretend I'm not cruel. I can't change who I am, or pretend I don't enjoy being in control of others. I tried to make you the exception, I tried to be gentle with you and even loving. But I couldn't help myself. I wanted my followers to know that you belonged to me. So, I'm sorry for what I did. But I can't promise you it will never happen again. It's in my nature to be possessive and dominant. I will leave it to you to decide if you can love me in return, knowing what I am."

After a minute or two of silence, he started to move away but I called out in a soft voice, barley more than a whisper, "Don't go."

He crawled back under the covers and put his arm around me until we both fell asleep together,

"I will never leave you Harry."

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	3. Chapter 3

Hey guys... I am SO SORRY that I have not updated in FOREVER! My computer crashed and won't let me add to any of my stories. It is really depressing and THANK YOU FOR ALL THE SUPPORT!

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